I have been a "people pleaser" most of my life. I tend to avoid conflict.
But, after some hard-learned lessons, I have decided to make a concerted effort to change this pleasing nature.
Let me explain what I mean.
OK – so what’s a “people pleaser”?
A people pleaser can be defined as “someone who tries hard to make others happy”. Talk to me, and you’re looking at someone who goes to great lengths to make others comfortable.
Now, don’t confuse a people pleaser with a pushover! You can run over a pushover, and barely notice a bump in the road. I played sports, I have been team captains, and I’ve held senior positions throughout my career. Try and run over me, and you’ll notice it! You’ll have a hard time pushing me out of the way.
But, the tricky thing is: you can be a people pleaser, even if you are difficult to be run over. People pleasers don’t want others to be mad (at you). People pleasers can hold back on their own opinion, concerned alienating others.
People pleasers are more likely than others go along, even if their mind says “Uhhh, I don’t know if this is a good idea”. Sounds familiar?
Why am I the way I am?
Friends and family would describe me as a social person. I like to be around people.
Even better when my friends also like being around each other. In moderation there is nothing wrong with the following behaviors:
I would "campaign" on behalf of a new acquaintance to join my circle of friends.
If members of the group had an issue with each other, I would always seem to rush to point out the positives in each other's position and attempt to have them reach a consensus.
Regrettably, what I truly never did was address the underlying issue head on. That was far more challenging to do and, frankly, I worried that I’d annoy (and lose) friends. If you take a strong position, some people will disagree with you, and if you’re wrong, you may look silly (or worse, risk being left out of the group).
Trouble is: you may be in situations where you gut tells you that something’s not right. If you don’t know how to stand up in daily life for what’s right, you won’t stand up for what’s right when it truly matters.
Gimme some "Mental Toughness"!
Looking back, I can think of many situations where I could have “practiced” mental toughness without alienating friends or colleagues.
Some people are naturally predisposed to be critical thinkers, and one of the best ones I know is my wife. She is a relentless questioner. She asks questions without fear or concern for what others think. And, from her I learned that only if you begin to ask pointed questions, you will find gaps and flaws in plans and agendas.
There’s why it matters: picture yourself being on the road for work, and your boss calls and ask you to fill in and give a speech at a company event. He gives you 48 hours to prepare. When this happened to me, I began to write out a speech on a sheet of paper and intended to deliver it like Barack Obama. Problem was - when I rehearsed the speech, I was concerned that I’m sounding rigid, monotonous and boring, putting the room asleep in 3 minutes.
In that situation who are you going to call – the “people pleaser” to reassure you that you’re doing fine? Or the mental “tough mudder” who’s going to poke holes in everything? I can tell you that I appreciated the critical feedback I got from my wife! It made me realize that I will never be able to compete with Barack Obama in terms of delivering well-crafted speeches, but instead tough feedback prompted me to carve my own, successful path.
I also recognized that building my critical thinking would possibly lead to some uncomfortable moments.
Becoming Mentally Tough
Mental toughness, in this broadest form sense, is having the ability to form a (critical opinion), stand behind your beliefs, and voice what you believe to be right, factual and honest. It’s not meant to ruffle feathers just for the sake of creating drama – but instead, it’s all about taking a position where it matters.
For example, in a tough business situation, you need to support your opinions and views with data. Not everyone will agree. That’s ok. The trick is not that everyone agrees – the trick is that everyone is being heard, have opportunities to share opinions, and that discussions are fact-based, not based along the fear to lose friendships if you disagree. Take a stance! Don’t worry about what your colleagues (or the neighbors, or the Jones’ from 2 villages over) will say.
The benefit is that mental toughness is required to overcome hurdles. And, importantly, to find your inner voice and be a critical thinker, you will need to develop confidence in yourself. Here are a few traits that you'll need to overcome to have the confidence to find your voice and be mentally strong.
FEAR: While fear is a great motivator, it is also one of our largest hindrances. We fear failing. We fear disappointing others, and ourselves. Some of us even fear our successes, unsure how we will cope with the rewards that they bring. Fear can defeat us before we take any action, paralyzing us in a state of uneasiness. All of us have been in a meeting where we wanted to ask a question, but for whatever reason, we were worried about how others would react, or whether the question reveals how little we know about the particular topic. My experiences have shown me that there are never, ever dumb questions. Questions always lead to additional discussion. Consider: how many times have you heard “Any questions?” at the end of of a meeting? Room falls silent, everyone looks at their phones, and that’s that. Inevitably, what you can’t figure out now will need to be debated later. It is always preferable to have a team conversation to identify issues or blind spots. I have been of meetings when everyone is prepared to leave and then “one last question” leads to a lively discussion, in a positive change. Do not let your fears get in the way of asking a question.
SELF-CRITICISM: Like fear, this is the voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. It finds fault in everything you do. It can also make you believe that others see these same faults in you. Self-criticism is one of the most difficult issues to overcome. It distracts from recognizing your strengths. In order to silence this voice you will need to acknowledge your shortcomings. However, you will also need to embrace them as opportunities to learn and improve. An excellent example of using failure to push forward is Elon Musk, the uber wealthy billionaire who owns Space-X. He said that each time a rocket failed, it was an opportunity to learn and correct. Through repetition and adjustments you'll be better equipped to tell that inner voice you've got this, and be in a position to speak with confidence and conviction.
SELF-DOUBT: We have all had moments when things feel like they can't get any worse, and yet somehow they do. How can you overcome crushing self-doubt? Be your biggest believer, be your Number One fan, believe in your abilities, be confident.
These are just a few areas that I have focused on to develop the confidence to eliminate fear, self-criticism and self-doubt. They embolden me to be comfortable and confident in my capabilities. This new-found confidence has allowed me to challenge colleagues and clients, and have forced them to clarify issues unclear to me, or additional planning.
Summing Up…
Being a pleaser is easy. But being a confident and comfortable in my questioning, and thinking critically, is more rewarding. I can't tell you what the key to success it, but being a people pleaser is likely fast-tracking your way to failure.
And, I'll leave you with this: for a people pleaser it is an eye opening realization to know that even with disagreements, we can still get along.
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